Portfolio at NYU

Posted 04.18.05
Romancing a Colleague
Published in the Wall Street Journal, February 27, 2005

By Aleksandra Todorova

By ALEKSANDRA TODOROVA

With Americans spending an increasing amount of time at work, it's not surprising that love is blossoming amid the cubicles.

In fact, 67% of the respondents to a 2003 survey on office romance done by the American Management Association said they approved of dating at the office. And 30% said they have done so themselves.

But approval rates run much lower among workplace experts and human-resource professionals. In a December 2001 survey by the Society for Human Resource Management, the latest available, a whopping 81% of human-resources professionals said they consider workplace romances dangerous because they could lead to conflict within the organization. And 74% said they believed it could present a legal liability.

When Erika and David Mangrum started dating nine years ago, the co-workers tried to keep their relationship secret. But it wasn't long before the couple -- who at the time worked in the Raleigh, N.C., offices of Sprint -- became office gossip.

The Mangrums each held a high-ranking position at the company, though in different departments. When Mr. Mangrum's division was spun off to become a separate company that was a direct competitor to Ms. Mangrum's division, things actually got worse for the couple. Ms. Mangrum realized her job was in peril now that she was cavorting with the enemy. So she quit.

So how can you avoid losing your dignity -- and even your job -- when involved in an office romance? Here are some suggestions:

1. Come Clean. It's nearly impossible to keep an office romance secret, especially if it becomes serious. So once your secret has been discovered by co-workers, you should come clean to your boss, who no doubt will find out anyway.

"I know it feels like an invasion of privacy," says workplace expert Liz Ryan, founder and CEO of WorldWIT, an online community for professional women. But "it's embarrassing and insulting for your boss if the rest of the office knows and he or she has not been informed."

2. Take It Outside. Love trysts don't belong in the office or the hallways and elevators. And that includes using pet names, kissing and hand-holding.

Ms. Ryan says she'll never forget a conference she attended where no one was paying attention to the speaker because a couple in the front of the room just couldn't keep their hands off each other. "He was braiding and unbraiding her hair," she says. "People were transfixed and horrified at the same time."

3. Sign a Love Contract. Dating is pretty much unregulated at most workplaces. Only 12% of respondents in the AMA survey said they had a written policy on office dating. But an office romance gone bad could have legal consequences for a company, including costly sexualharassment lawsuits.

To reduce that liability, some employers ask employees who are dating to sign consensual relationship agreements, commonly known as love contracts.

The love contract, first designed back in 1983 by employment attorney Jeffrey Tanenbaum of Nixon Peabody LLP, is meant to protect both the employees and the company, Mr. Tanenbaum says. Although love contracts vary by company, most pretty much state that the two employees are engaged in a consensual relationship and prohibit sexual harassment and favoritism.

4. Remember Who's the Boss. Most workplace experts say you should avoid dating up or down in the workplace hierarchy.

"You cannot date your boss," says Ms. Ryan. And "you cannot date somebody who reports to you."

5. Keep Your Distance. What if the relationship doesn't work out?

"A lot of people break up and they can't continue to work together," says Ms. Ryan. "It can be really ugly and it's a major career risk." Ultimately, one partner often has to quit his or her job to get away from the situation.

To avoid this, she suggests not dating anyone in your department. Ms. Ryan also says it's a good idea to discuss in advance how a breakup would be handled.