Recount: A Magazine of Contemporary Politics

Hey Mr. Mayor, Watch Out for Peds!

By David Puner | Nov 21, 2004 Print

TO: MAYOR MICHAEL R. BLOOMBERG

DATE: 11/22/04

RE:  MTA fare hikes, service cuts, & job audition


Dear Mr. Mayor:

Thanks very much for your call last week.  It was great to speak with you and I appreciate the opportunity to apply for the job!  If you decide to hire me, it will be an honor to become the first Commissioner of the New York City Department of Walking Violations. 

You were right on the money Mr. Mayor, when you said that if New Yorkers are required to have licenses to drive automobiles (despite the assistance of side and rearview mirrors) it’s high time for walking licenses.  New Yorkers are atrocious pedestrians.  On our sidewalks, the American hotbed of treacherous urban walking, there are picks, blocks, and post patterns constantly in motion.  For all the hip, retro footwear pounding the concrete jungle, there is very little informed walking.  With another round of MTA fare hikes and service cuts likely in 2005, there will be more foot traffic than ever in the city—it’ll be like Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, sans party, every day.  Ugh! 

I fully agree with you that you’re the mayor and you shouldn’t have to explain to anyone why you’ve drastically cut city funding to the MTA during your term.  You’re the boss! 

As per our discussion, I’ve spent the past few days mapping out a plan to deal with the worsening crisis on the sidewalks of New York.  Now, I’m no Amazing Kreskin or even Joe Namath for that matter, when it comes to prognostication, but I’m thinking if you adopt my plan, you’ll solve the walking crisis and those pesky Straphangers will have the few remaining buses and subways all to themselves.  Even better Mr. Mayor, you won’t have to pretend you’re a regular Joe and say you take the subway to work anymore (I’ve always thought the gesture has been an eloquent statement to laymen, by the way).  You’ll be able to go back to riding in a town car, or riding a scooter like that zippy one you’ve got down in Bermuda (I love that you have that “Top Gun” decal on your helmet—that’s one of my favorite movies after Wall Street!).  And if that’s not enough, the streets will be free and clear of hassles for your 2005 campaign—you’ll strut—one leg in front of the other (in a straight line) into a second term. 

As commissioner of the NYC DMW, I would implement the following plan:

A parent or legal guardian of a toddler will be required to apply for a learner permit within a week of their young one’s first steps.  The child will then be allowed to walk accompanied by an adult with a clean license.  Then at let’s say, 10-years-old, after years of practice and successful completion of walker education courses, the child will receive a junior walker license and receive solo walking privileges from 6 am until 9 pm.  At 12-years-old, the young walker (with proof of identity and an application fee) will be able to obtain a full-fledged license, after passing street, written and vision tests (no written test required for seeing-eye dogs).  The walker license will function on a point system, just like a driver license.  The DMW will suspend a walker license if you are convicted of three major violations within an 18 month period or if you amass more than 11 points. 

Here are some major pedestrian violations along with respective penalties:

• Haphazard exhaling of cigarette smoke while walking directly in the path of another pedestrian: 3 points (5, if flying ash is involved).  These incidents have been known to incite sidewalk rage.  Specific punishment can include having to smoke up to an entire pack of Marlboro reds in one sitting. 
• Coming to a sudden stop without warning: 2 points.  Note: it is suggested that while walking in back of another pedestrian, one should keep the 2-second rule in effect, except when preparing to pass. 
• Unsafe lane change (e.g. cutting across a block directly into oncoming foot-traffic): 3 points.  If you cannot properly estimate the speed of someone approaching in the left lane: signal, decelerate gradually, and wait for the person to pass by—or face fines!
• Walking left of sidewalk center (either straightaway or zigzag): 3 points.  This is the United States—we drive on the right side of the road—we should therefore walk on the right side of the sidewalk.  If you’re a weaver (also known as a diagonal drifter), expect fines!  Staying to the right will prevent head-on collisions when rounding block corners. 
• Reckless maneuvering of a stroller: 4 points.  Having a child does not allow one to use his or her child’s transportation as a people plow/battering ram.  Double fines for twins.  Keep it safe, or keep it parked! 
• Bicycles: 4 points and impound of bicycle.  Although technically not pedestrian traffic, bikes often terrorize sidewalkers.  Unless you’re Lance Armstrong cycling a charity Chinese food delivery ride, forget it.  No bikes in the city, period.
• Speeding (lack of): 2 points.  If you’re blocking a passing pedestrian, either as a lone pedestrian or as a gabbing chain of two or more pedestrians, GET FARTHER OVER.  And hurry up.
• Umbrellas.  NO.  4 points and impound of umbrella.  Get a raincoat. 
• Any of the above violations perpetrated while chatting on a cell phone or instant messaging: 2 additional points.  If you can’t walk and talk like Tom Brokaw on a transition from the anchor desk to the “Fleecing of America” plasma monitor, don’t use the cell while in motion. 
• Any of the above violations resulting in the injury of a skittish leashed animal: 4 additional points. 

Other appropriate punishments for poor, selfish walking will include possible jail time and DMW-revocation of your library card (I’m paying homage to the Patriot Act there—feel free to disregard if you don’t like).  The DMW will also hit where it really hurts—it will have your cable service suspended (I’m assuming we’ll be able to work out a deal with Time Warner and RCN)—no more reality television, just the blank screen of safety-violation reality.

So, Mr. Mayor, what do you think?  I’m confident this plan will work.  I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully, ambling forward!  Thanks for your consideration.

Best,
David

David Puner can be reached at dpuner@aol.com.

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