Home » blogs » Lauren Berger's blog

Rate your rear end

Submitted by Lauren Berger on April 16, 2006 - 1:23pm.

Rhea's recent blog post about Mathematical Art really got me thinking about the way math has taken pop culture by storm. We all love an intriguing puzzle or mystery (she points to The Da Vinci Code and NUMB3RS, specifically) that can be solved by numerical reasoning. So, why shouldn't such logical formulae be created to explain our everyday behaviors and preferences?

Psychology professor Dr. David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University has done just that. He has devised a mathematical equation that measures the desirability of a female's rear end (and here, you thought science couldn't be interesting!). He explains the formula as "part of his work on evolutionary signals and roadsigns" - ideal physical features that humans find attractive, and thus, signal a healthy mate:

"We developed our rounded rears in order to survive on the African savannah terrain, by being able to run long distances, beating ... rivals to scarce food," he's concluded. "Thus, part of human success has (come) down to our bums."

"Firmness, pertness and the ability to defy gravity indicated a potential mate that was healthy, fertile and good at childbearing and caring," he's written in his theory.

Hmmm. So how exactly do we measure the ideal tush? According to Holmes, the six major characteristics include: overall shape (S), circularity of buttocks (C.), resilience or bounce (B), firmness (F), skin texture (T) and vertical ratio/symmetry (V). And the formula is: ((S+C)*(B+F)/T)-V. Let me make that a bit more clear. Add the Shape(S) and Circularity(C.) scores. Next, add the Bounce(B) and Firmness(F) scores. Multiply these two figures and then divide the total by Texture(T). Finally, subtract the Vertical ratio/symmetry(V) score.

Feel free to take the test for yourself (the specific descriptions vary depending on which article you read, but I enjoyed the ones below). Rate your rear on the following:

(S) OVERALL SHAPE: Which best decribes your bum?

  • A trodden-on doughnut = 1
  • A pear dropped from a great height = 2
  • Rounded but dimpled, making it look square = 3
  • Big but more narrow than high = 4
  • A small peach shape = 5

    • (C.) CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum?

  • Square as a cheese slice = 1
  • Like an egg is round = 2
  • More pear shaped = 3
  • Pair of pink grapefruits = 4

    • (B) BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum?

  • Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly = 1
  • Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick = 2
  • Cheeks don't meet when I walk = 3
  • Only bounce during sex = 4
  • During aerobics, doesn't even quiver = 5

    • (F) FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch?

  • Could lose a hand in here = 1
  • Makes a dimple if pressed = 2
  • Can't press in a centimetre = 3
  • Latex-coated cricket ball = 4

    • (T) SKIN TEXTURE: How is you bum complexion?

  • Cellulite, spots, orange peel -- you name it! = 4
  • Dimpling on underside = 3
  • Spotty but no dimpling = 2
  • Like a baby's = 1

    • (V) VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio.

  • Like a traffic cone = 4
  • Bigger at the bottom = 3
  • Symmetrical both ways = 2
  • Like a pert pair of breasts = 1

    • HOW DID MY BUM SCORE?

  • Perfection! = 80
  • Reach for the beach! = 60
  • Exercise! Diet! Hope! = 40
  • Keep your clothes on! = 20
  • Stay indoors! = 0

    • Well then, now you know. Science has offically added on to the you-just-don't-measure-up message touted by mainstream media. But just in case you were worried, "Holmes said he's not finished with his ground shaking work. He's investigating the mathematical equivalent of the ultimate kiss -- though male researchers now urge him to uncover perfect breasts." Nice to know that the guys at Maxim really have some pull at the university level.

    » Lauren Berger's blog